A wallflower- a type of bright-colored flower with a pleasant smell that often grows in rocky cliffs or from the cracks in a wall. Hence, the name- wallflower.
Wallflower is also used as a metaphor to define someone with an introverted personality trait. Someone who’s shy, doesn’t like attention, who likes to stay on the sidelines. A wallflower is someone who doesn’t fit in easily.
I am a wallflower.
I used to be an extremely introverted person. By extremely, I mean extremely. No exaggerations here. I barely spoke to anyone when I was growing up. Friends, family, no one; not even to my parents. I kept quiet and did whatever I was told at home or at school. I never questioned anyone or anything. I was like a river- I went with the flow. Because of this I was considered a good girl.
Little did they know about the storm that would always be inside my head! Little did they know how aware I was and how observant I was. I did not speak to people because I was afraid I’d say something stupid and people would think I was an idiot or something. I would think of the reaction to my action beforehand.
Because of this trait, I’ve always found it hard to fit in. At school or at family functions. I am almost always the odd one out- the black sheep, if you will. I am that person in social gatherings that will stay in the side and avoid interacting with people. I am so bad at small talks and need to put in so much effort to keep a conversation going. I avoid eye-contact with people and hope they go away; hope they don’t start a conversation with me. It has nothing to do with me disliking anyone or thinking I am better than them or something like that.
I like staying at the corner of the room and observing what others are doing. I see things everybody else doesn’t and I keep quiet about them. I process everything that is going on around me, I am aware when I am on my own. I notice how particles of dust fly away when you move your hand. I pay attention to how you react to each word you utter. I notice the clouds shifting its shape in the sky. I notice how piercing blue the sky is. I notice the street dogs playing with themselves. I think things and I know things that you overlook. I pay attention, I observe. I realize.
It isn’t easy being a wallflower- being an introvert. It doesn’t mean being an antisocial person who hates people. Yes, being around people a lot drains my energy instead of energizing me and makes me moody at times. Yes, I like solitude rather than being surrounded by people. Yes, I tend to get socially awkward and forget my own name if I get nervous. Yes, I don’t always fit in and mold with my surroundings. Yes, I tend to overthink and make up situations that might not even happen. Yes, I get misjudged as a snob by my seniors and a rude and intimidating person by my peers and juniors. Yes, I get misunderstood for being cold and stone-hearted. Yes, I’d rather stay at home on a Friday night doing nothing instead of partying. I’d rather be the odd duck in the pond. I’d rather be the weird one instead of the girl next door.
But, being a wallflower is more than that. It is being self-aware, it is being independent, it is learning to enjoy by yourself, it is observing- being aware of what is happening around you, it is being comfortable with silence, it is losing yourself in your thoughts, it is about acceptance, it is being a good listener, it is being empathetic, it is about understanding, it is about finding peace, it is about connecting. It is about being awesome and knowing it.
Being a wallflower is seeing things and keeping quiet about it. Above all, being a wallflower is being me.
